Many people are suspicious of learning about influencing skills because they view them as something negative. For many they are nothing short of manipulation.

I would say that whether your communication is influencing or manipulating depends on your intention and the outcome.

For me, one thing that defines manipulating is when you are trying to make someone do or feel something which is not in their interests. For instance you try and sell something to someone that they don’t need. You withhold information about the requirements of a job so that someone agrees to take it on, only to find you’re asking them to do more than they agreed to. You persuade a friend to do something for you with insincere flattery.

I think of influencing as when you use communication tools that change someone’s mindset or actions in order to create a win-win outcome. For instance, you persuade your boss to agree to your idea because the way you presented it helped him/her see benefits they hadn’t thought of before. You help your teenager see the future consequences of smoking, so he/she decides not to smoke or gives it up and you help them to see they can get the benefits of smoking (e.g. relaxed state, ‘cool’ reputation) in other ways.

Many people who class NLP and Influencing Skills as manipulative often don’t realise that all human behaviour is manipulative in a broad sense. It is all designed to get a certain result or outcome. Everyday behaviours such as smiling, being nice, shouting, sulking, placating, crying and being funny are all designed to get a certain response from someone else. The intentions behind them are quite often selfish.

Another test is whether the outcome is sustainable. Will our behaviour and intention promote long term healthy relationships and outcomes? If everyone acted like this would our society thrive?

What would our politics, businesses, society and relationships be like if we were all skilled in the use of influence backed by integrity, respect, honesty and win-win intentions?

To your influencing success, Madeleine Morgan

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